


Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

by cockumentary



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Breakfast, Crazy, Denny's, Don't Try This At Home, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Crack, French-Speaking Jean Kirstein, French-Speaking Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Gay, Jean Kirstein & Eren Yeager Are Rivals, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Multi, POV Multiple, Partying, Schoolboys, Sexual Frustration, Songfic, Student Eren Yeager, Teenage Dorks, Teenagers, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, Unrequited Lust, attack on titan - Freeform, based off the christina aguleira song, basically asshole teenagers, but wanna fuck each other, erejean - Freeform, marco likes jean and jean likes eren and maybe marco a lil, maybe erejeanmarco soon, shingeki no kyojin - Freeform, snk, teenage wasteland, voulez-vous coucher avec moi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-02
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2018-02-11 10:10:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2064075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cockumentary/pseuds/cockumentary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean and Eren are sexually tense idiots who decide to take Rivaille's French class for shits and giggles in their last year of high school. Levi sees some kind of potential in these boys, especially Eren, and decides to take action. But there's one catch - these two hate each others' guts. Will Levi help them see they're DTF and in love? Or will they find out on their own instead? A story about high school and the gay little bumps along the way. </p><p>And yeah, the title literally translates to 'Do you wanna sleep with me?'</p><p>As for the answer to that question, I guess we'll find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Incentive

I don't even know why I picked this French class. My teacher was a dick, the class was filled with assholes, and on top of that I was failing with a D. I'm French for fuck's sake! The only thing that went right in that class was the way Rivaille pronounced my name. Sort of like Sean, but with more of a 'J' sound at the beginning. I bet my parents thought they were so cool, having to cart me around while correcting people 24/7 when they said 'Jeen' and not 'Jean'. Why not just name me John instead?

"Kirschtein, pay attention!" My train of throught crashed as Rivaille's metal yardstick practically abused my desk. I knew shit was serious when he referred to me by my last name. He was quite a character. He was fucking short. It was comical how he nearly got trampled over when he stood in the hallway as the kids were dismissed. I felt like telling him to go apply for midget porn because he really didn't know how to teach. He ran the place like his own little dictatorship.

"What's the answer to number two?" He asked sternly.

"U-Uhh.. Bonjour?" I muttered in response. I really wasn't paying attention, and I wouldn't dare to have him repeat the question. Everyone laughed, and I caught Eren smirking at me.

"Wrong as I presumed. You're staying after to make up that D." Levi ordered, spinning around and returning to the board.

Fucking Jaeger was still snickering with his little gang of idiots in the back of the class. "Hey guys, hear that? Jean's gotta make up the _D_!" He could barely contain himself. I flashed him my best death glare and gave him the middle finger, to which he challenged with a dick-in-mouth gesture.

"If you think I'm giving Levi head to make up my grade, you're wacked!" I growled, feeling myself get a bit flustered. If Eren were anyone else, I would have gladly kicked his ass by now. The only thing that held me back was my attraction to him. I was _not_ going to get on my knees for Levi if that's what everyone was implying. Some swooned over him, but I was not one of those poor unfortunate souls. At least I had good taste in men, and would go for someone who looked halfway decent. Sort of like that someone who was humiliating me right this second in the back of the class. Yeah, my secret's out - I'm kind of a big homo who really has the hots for his frenemy.

"WHAT was that, Kirschtein? I will not have profanity in my classroom. And _never_ refer to me as my first name again. How disrespectful." The now angered teacher pointed at me, and then turned to look at Eren who was still sucking on a fake cock. The rest of the class didn't know what to say. The room fell silent except for the sounds of a few giggles.

"Jaeger and Kirschtein are staying after. We need to discuss some... things." Levi's eyebrows furrowed at the obscene things Eren was doing. "And where'd you learn to make such a good imitation, Eren? Disgusting." He scoffed. Where _did_ Eren learn to look like he was working it like a bitch in heat? And when did our teacher get so perverse? _It's funny, some of the things you'll realize when you're actually paying attention in class, Jean. Quit staring at Eren for once and maybe you'll learn how to form a sentence in French.  
_

The bell rang and it was a hell of a relief for the rest of the idiots in that class, except for Eren and I. Marco smiled at me and waved as he left. Why was he always so happy? Happy pills? It only made sense. He was kind of... actually _really_ cute, but I thought our personalities clashed. I was miserable and he always had that sweet smile plastered onto his freckled face. Marco was someone I could be attracted to, but the hopes for a relationship weren't high. I mean, sure... If Jaeger turned me down, I might get together with Marco just to see how it would work out (aka make Eren a jealous man).

"Gentlemen, or should I say not-so-gentle men, what you did today was uncalled for and inappropriate." Rivaille stood in front of us. "If it happens again, I'll have you taken out of my class and put into another math block. Are we understood?" He asked. We both nodded, because we sure as hell didn't need more math to deal with.

"Jaeger, you're a decent student. Jean over here needs some help. I have an incentive for you - if you help him out, I'll bring your grade up to an A. School's almost done with and I honestly can't be bothered to waste time on an imbecile. He'll probably understand more with help from a person who's his own age anyway... What do you say? Is that a good enough incentive for you?" Levi asked. This is why he sucked - he could be a lazy asshat who didn't want to do his own job. And on top of that, now I'm an _imbecile._ Big words, huh Levi?

"Yes it is.. It's quite a good incentive, actually. I'll take you up on that offer, Monsieur Rivaille." Eren smiled. What a kiss-up. I was so tempted to wipe that smile off his face with my lips... I mean fist. 

"Very well then. You boys are dismissed. And don't ever be profane in my class like that again. Do you understand? I know it's almost the end of the year and things can get out of hand, but what you do outside of this room is your own business. Keep it out of here." Levi lectured. Eren hushed him up with an irritated 'yeah, yeah' as the teacher smiled slyly at us, and opened the door that would get us out of this hell hole. He smiled like he knew something and I didn't like it one bit. I quickly forced the idea out of my mind and tried to focus on other things. If he thought I was actually going to do something productive with Jaeger, then he really must have brain damage.

As for the tutoring, I wasn't too pleased with the idea of someone I despised lurking over my shoulder and whispering 'je suis provocant' in my ear... But wait. Could it really be that bad? Did I really hate Jaeger as much as I wanted to? _Why_ did I hate him to begin with.. Where did all the deeply harbored dislike come from? Jesus, why were these personal questions creeping up on me at an inconvenient time like this?

 _Force these stupid ideas out of your head, Jean, and get with the program. Eren's there to 'tutor' you, not to use the French language as a way to flirt with you._ _Plus, you don't have a goddamned chance with him._ _He's probably heterosexual as fuck anyway._ Eren had that certain swagger and confidence which was capable of making all the ladies fall for him. I lacked that quality, and I sort of hated myself for it.

My wallowing in self-pity was interrupted. God, I should really fix that leak in my self-esteem pipe. "My place or your place, horse ass?" He asked, smirking.

"U-Umm.. Yours I guess?" I scratched the back of my neck and looked at him.

Eren came from money because his pops was a rich German dude, and his mom had passed away so he got a fat monthly check even though he was rapidly approaching 18. After Carla's death, Papa Jaegs adopted a mysterious Asian girl who went by the name Mikasa to keep his son company. Making sure Eren had someone to bond with wasn't the only reason, because Mikasa was supposedly in rough shape and needed a home. Their old man sent them to live alone in a nice house fit for a king - don't ask me why I know so much about Eren's personal life, because I can assure you that I _totally_ don't stalk him or anything. Ahh, the Jaeger family jewels. Eren was a tight-assed spoiled brat and everyone knew it, but I guess he was worth it. Even though I detested him, I could admit that he was something else compared to the rest.

"I know you still want to bone my sis.." He elbowed me.

Yeah, I did have a small fling for Mikasa at one time which I highly regretted now. If I remember correctly, it was in sophomore year. A lot of things changed that summer, though. I started hanging around with Eren more and we spent a lot of time texting when we couldn't actually be face to face. We were both royal pains in each others' asses. At least that's how I felt about myself in the situation. I had friends, but when I talked to Eren it was different. We sort of understood each other in our own way, even if it was by busting each others' balls every waking chance we got.

"Fuck off, Jaeger."

I wanted to bone someone in the Jaeger family, but it wasn't Mikasa anymore. Fucking hormones...


	2. Hateboner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren runs into a little problem when he finds himself home alone with Jean, and let's just say things go horribly wrong.

"Don't you think Mr. Rivaille is odd? I hate when he looks at us like that. What a pedo. His eyes just stare into my soul." Jean scoffed, the steady rhythm of our feet on the ground being the only other sound as we neared my neighborhood.

"I don't think he'd want to save your grade after all if he heard you saying that. You want to turn that _D_ into an A after all, right?" I smirked, stressing the letter D. Seeing Jean get all flustered was priceless.

"Would you stop with the dick jokes? My god.." I could have sworn I saw him blush.

"Aww, you're blushing!" I laughed, pointing at his cheeks. "I didn't know you felt _that_ way about him... How adorable." I smirked, stopping to admire how blushy Jean was.

"I don't. I think he sucks. Can we just drop it and start this French tutoring bullshit?" He asked impatiently, starting towards the front door of the house. Another thing I'd learned about him after numerous occurrences of trial and error? Push his buttons and he'd become a bitch. A man-bitch. It was pretty funny. Sometimes I joked about him being 'on the rag'.

"Fine. Don't get pissy with me, Kirschtein. I'm your teacher now. Wanna see how fast I can turn into a psychotic tutor who's even worse than Levi? Don't force me to make you regret coming here. I know you hate me, but if you want to save your grade, you'll get over it." I scolded him as I tried to fight back a smirk, and unlocked the door. I walked in to find an empty house. Where was Mikasa? Maybe she was up in her room. I didn't like to admit it, but I worried about her and she worried about me just as much. In a brotherly-sisterly non-creepy way of course. After all, we were the only people each other had.

I walked over to the refrigerator and found a note. It read, _"Eren, I went over to Annie's for a while. Call me if you need anything, alright? -Mikasa."_ Annie was a strange girl who had advanced classes at school. She hardly ever spoke to anyone, but she met my sister and deemed her worthy to talk to. Mikasa and Annie were alike in their own ways - both odd and quiet, but a power duo nonetheless. Jean wouldn't know who Annie was anyway, because she was way out of his intellectual and mental leagues.

"Ooh la la, who's Annie? Is she a special someone?" Jean peered over my shoulders and I could feel his breath on my neck. Jean and I were alone. In my house. Not that Mikasa would dare to bother us, but the fact that we were here in isolation was pleasing. I could finally think without people buzzing around me all the time. I didn't have to show off anymore.

"Quit doing that, you nosebag.." I muttered. Was that the feeling of hairs standing up on my neck because of how close he was?

"Why? I'm intrigued. Who is this _Annie_? Is your sister gay?" He smirked.

"I don't know if she's gay. Why would I want to? That's her business.." I set the note on the table and turned around to face Jean who was surprisingly even closer to me."Would you stop doing that? Creeper..." I put my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away and onto the fridge.

"Feisty. I like it, Jaeger." Of course, he replied with that stupidly smug look.

A new energy settled in the air around us. Again, the fact that we were alone lingered in the back of my mind. "We can put French off till next week. It's the weekend. Rivaille can kiss my ass." Jean chuckled and advanced on me until my ass hit the table.

"W-What are you doing, Jean?" I stuttered.

"Oh, just a little of this.." He whispered, nibbling my ear. "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?" He sang the corny lyrics to that Christina Aguleira song. What was I supposed to do? I stood there awkwardly, my hands on his shoulders, just getting used to the feeling of his warm breaths on my neck.

"Jean.. I'm not gay..." I latched onto his arms. Out of all the things I could have said, I chose to tell him I wasn't gay. Not only was it a fight-or-flight response, it was complete bullshit to boot. _God damn it, Eren. Why couldn't you have just kissed him?_

"Cut the shit, Jaeger. We all know that's a big white lie." He chuckled. "And if you're sure you're not gay, why did you just cop a feel?"

All Jean could do was smile as he left me in the kitchen with my little problem. He walked into the living room and flipped the TV on, resting his feet on the expensive coffee table like an ass. I guess it was my fault. The fact that Jean and I were alone must have turned me on, and the way he put his hands on me... _Never mind._ I stormed into the room, erection still present as ever in my pants.

"G-God, it was a hateboner. I swear. Don't ever pull any stunt like that ever again.." Jesus, I was really acting like a fool. I could barely get my words out. I was frustrated. I couldn't even make eye contact with the boy who was the object of my desire-err, I mean frustration.

"Oh puh-lease, Jaeger. You're fucking pathetic." He smirked and laughed at the way I stood there, helpless.

"Please don't tell anyone, Jean. I beg of you." I whined. Fuck, now I was desperate.

"Score for Kirschtein. Now I have something I can use against you. You humiliated me in French class today, and this is your payback. Karma's a bitch, and she happened to make an appearance through your cock." Jean laughed and pointed at the tent in my pants. _WHY WAS I STILL HARD?_

"Know what? I'm tempted to take a picture of you with that pathetic look on your face and your hard-on, and send it to everyone I know. That means Connie, Sasha, Marco, and the rest of those mother fuckers. And I hope it gets around to Levi." He quickly took his phone out of his pocket and was about to start recording until I grabbed his hand and pinned him onto the couch. We struggled and struggled to get our hands on his phone.

"If you break my phone, I fucking swear, Eren-"

"Nghh!"

"SHIT, IT'S STUCK!" The phone fell through the crack in the couch and Jean tried as hard as he could to pry it out.

Right at that moment, Mikasa walked in. Fuck my life in it's tight virgin ass.

"Eren, Jean... I don't even want to know. Finish whatever you might be doing and, just.. See you later." I could tell she was absolutely, positively mortified. The slamming of the door reverberated through the living room. It would probably be weeks until I finally mustered up the courage to explain what happened. Even then, Mikasa probably wouldn't believe me. Well, it could have been worse. Someone who couldn't be trusted might have walked in to see me writhing on Jean's body like a deprived, sex-hungry fool. And I was the complete opposite, right? _..Right?_


	3. Goodbye My Almost Blowjob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two dorks have a bit of a heated moment, but are cockblocked yet AGAIN. It turns out, they've got a date tonight at 8PM sharp. At Denny's.

After a few moments (that felt like years, mind you) of being stuck with Eren on top of me in that painfully awkward position, I finally grew some balls and decided to break the silence.

"So..." My voice was nearly inaudible. I was starting to regret coming over here. At least if we had gone to my house, no one would have walked in at the worst of all times.

"What now?" I asked, and I swore to God I could feel my heart begin to thud in my chest. Hopefully Eren wouldn't be able to hear it. They say that if someone makes your heart race, that's a sign of being in love. I quickly dismissed the thought and blamed my rapidly beating heart on nerves instead.

"I.. I can't believe you, Kirschtein.." He grunted, and his voice seemed to shake as he spoke. "After all that, you have the damn audacity to ask _'what now'_? What the hell do you think this is?" His grasp tightened on my wrist. Now I was sure that he definitely _was_ shaking. "..Things are going to be awkward between me and my sister for the next 33 some-odd years."

"Eren.. Eren, calm the fuck down." I said, and I took a huge risk. This huge risk was bringing my free hand up to touch the nape of his neck, forcing him to look me in the eyes.

"What are you doing, Jean? Oh hell, what's another touch. You might as well just fucking kiss me. You might as well-"

"I might as well what, Jaeger? Do tell me more." I smirked, searching those frantic jade eyes for a response. He seemed to be dumbstruck. What was he implying, anyway? Did he really want me to kiss him? For a split-second, I imagined how it would feel to press my lips up against his. What would it feel like to have his tongue brush up against mine? To touch him and.. _Stop it, Kirschtein. Keep it up and you'll end up getting a pathetic boner just like he did._ The feeling of his ass on my groin was enough to give me one already, and I tried my hardest to ignore the sensation of having him on top of me.

"Please, let's just pretend this never happened. Go home. I'll see you on Monday, 'kay?" He looked into the distance, averting my eye contact, and attempted to get up from the couch. I stopped him. I wasn't going to let him walk away from this that easily.

"Eren.. You said you wanted me to kiss you. And you know what? I'd be lying if I said I didn't wanna comply." Again, I made him look me in the eyes. "Jean, you're fucking crazy. Just stop screwing with me and go home. Go jack off in your room and cry or something." His eyebrows furrowed and.. was that a blush beginning to appear on his cheeks?

Something was building up in my chest, and it was as if there was a huge crowd in my head cheering me on. _Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him._ I needed to act on these feelings pronto, so I did it. I pulled him in by the shirt collar and smashed my lips up against his.

Eren looked down at me with this weird expression I'd never seen on him before - did it have something to do with his eyes? And then, he did the unexpected. He attacked _my_ lips with another passionate kiss, his hands pinning my shoulders to the couch so I couldn't move.

"So I take it you really don't want me to go home? Nice. Reverse psychology." I chuckled, running my hands through his soft brown hair. "How about you shut up and let my actions do the talking?" He responded with a gruff whisper, and I felt him move down to my neck.

"Shit.." I bit my lip as he began to kiss my neck and suck on it rather roughly. I should have known he was going to do this to me. Punk-ass little shit. "Damn, you're going to give me a hickey. Looks like I'll be stuck looking like an idiot, wearing a scarf in the middle of the summer."

"Shut up, Jean. Do you want this or not? And I swear, if you tell anyone I'll have Mikasa and Annie hang your balls from a fucking cherry tree. Are we understood?" Eren cupped my cheeks, and my amber eyes met his. _What am I getting myself into? He certainly seems interesting when it comes to these kinds of things._ _He'd probably be a really good fuck, though... He seems like a kinky bastard at best._

"Jaeger.. What exactly do you mean by _'this'_? How far are you, uh... planning to go?" I asked nervously.

"I thought I told you to shut up. Now you're gonna get it." He smirked devilishly and began to tease the arousal in my pants. "Isn't this what you've always wanted? For me to blow you?"

Just then, an annoying little sound broke our heated moment. It was the ringtone of my cellphone that was trapped in the couch. "Fuck, I have to get that. What if something happened?" I scrambled out of his grasp and dug for my device which was wedged under the couch cushion.

I hastily picked up the phone, trying to regain myself and catch my breath.

"..Hello?" I answered.

"Yeah, hi Jean! It's me, Marco.. Listen, do you want to go to Denny's tonight? I'm planning a little get-together with a few friends from school!" The cheerful voice echoed through the speaker. Eren and I both exchanged glances as if to say the same thing: _Are you fucking kidding me?_ _Jean could have been getting a blowjob right now, and Marco calls about Denny's?_

"Jesus Christ. Who's going to call next? Is Ronald McDonald gonna let you know that there's a deal on hamburgers? Give me a break.." Eren bitched, and Marco must have heard it.

Sure enough, he began to flip out. "Jean, are you busy? Oh my God, I'm so sorry!"

"No, man. That's just Jaeger in the background, being his usual dickish self.." I smacked Eren on the shoulder, mouthing the words _'shut up'_.

"Oh, Eren? He can come too, if you guys want! The more the merrier, I always say." Marco let out a giddy chuckle. Sometimes he was too happy. Too happy for his own good. Meanwhile, Eren glared at me as if he were ready to kick me in the nuts.

"Yeah.. That sounds good, Bodt. What time is this little gathering?" I asked, trying hard to ignore the death glares I was receiving.

"How could I forget the time? It's gonna be at 8pm. You can wear your pajamas if you want, but anything is fine. Just keep it PG!" He laughed, and Eren was just about ready to throw my phone across the room.

"Sounds dandy, Marco. We'll be there. See ya!" I quickly hung up, praying that the sound of Eren tackling me didn't make it through to the other side of the line. "Why, Jean? _WHY?_ Do you really want to eat dinner with that group of buffoons? You could be fucking me instead." He groaned, obviously pissed off with my choice to bring him to Denny's.

"Although option two is very appealing, Marco is a nice guy.. And I didn't want to hurt his feelings. God forbid one of us makes him sad or upset. He could turn into the next Godzilla." I said, smirking up at him.

"You better wear your best pair of pajamas, because tonight's gonna be a fun night, Jaeger."


	4. Accidents Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two losers doll up in their pajamas and head to a little get-together at Denny's. But something embarrassing happens when Eren returns to their table after taking a leak in the bathroom.

"Have anything sexy for pajamas?" Jean asked, following me up the stairs and into my room. I knew he was looking at my ass, so I took the opportunity and gave him an extra nice view. "Jean, he said to keep it PG. Do you really think I'm going to sneak into Mikasa's room and wear something slutty just to go out to Denny's? We're not going to a strip club." I smirked, whacking him on the arm playfully.

"Y'know.. There's a chance I might do it for you. But _just_ for you." I said, starting to dig through my drawers for something fitting to wear. "Plus, I don't think my sister would be too happy with my pickle rubbing up against the spot where her muffin is supposed to go."

"God, Eren. You sound like a cross between a toddler and a fucking creep. You can talk about dicks and pussies in front of me, you know." He laughed at my innocent comparison of human sexual organs to food. Yeah, it probably was a bit strange.

"Well, it's weird talking about that part of my sister's body. You wouldn't have a problem with it, because a) you're a pervert, and b) you even _liked_ her before." I grunted, tossing useless clothing into a pile on the floor. Then, I found them. My trustworthy pair of pajama pants with none other than the face of Glenn Quagmire on them. They also had his catchphrase printed in bold letters. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I'd walked around muttering _'giggity'_ to myself. ~~_Hopefully I could get my giggity on with Jean later like we had originally intended._~~

"Here, just throw these on because it's starting to get late." I threw my Rolling Stones shirt at him, along with a pair of sweatpants, as I glanced at the clock and noted that it was nearly 7:30. I guess time flies when you're spending it with the idiot you adore, huh?

"Ah, man. Are you serious? I like the Stones and all, but the Beatles win as far as that goes." Jean challenged, quickly removing his shirt and putting mine on.

"Oh, come on. Do we really have to argue about this now? The Beatles were great, but don't you think they're a tadbit overrated? Mick Jagger all the way. And don't forget, I have them moves like Jaeger." I grinned, watching him shake his head in disapproval as he slipped out of his pants and into my bummy ones. No matter how shitty we looked, it was all in good fun, and it was a themed get-together anyway. We would just have to suck it up and ignore all the weird looks we received, and also ignore the fact that people probably thought we were hobos.

He grabbed his phone and messaged Marco a quick 'on the way' to let him know we were going to show up to this lame thing and not be a bunch of assholes. We didn't want to make him feel like a loser, sitting at Denny's all by himself. How many people were really going to this?

Jean and I took the car, and I decided to let him drive just because he wanted to. ~~_Of course it's not because he looked older than me, pshh, no way._~~ Damn, it must be because of that handsome horseface. He looked like he could pose as a 20 year old, while I was stuck with a stupid baby face and bug eyes that made me look like I was the protagonist of an anime or something.

It turns out that I completely underestimated Marco's people skills, because once Jean and I walked in, a lot of familiar faces came into view. Ymir and Christa, Bert and Reiner, and even Connie and Sasha had decided to come. We greeted each other with smiles and a few of those whiteboy handshakes that you always see us guys doing. Truth be told, we don't even know why we use them. We just do. It's our less formal way of saying 'what's up'?

"You guys are surprisingly on time," Ymir said, smirking at us.

"I'm so glad you guys showed up! What are you thinking of getting to eat?" Marco beamed, taking our appearances in. He was wearing something that looked like a purple onesie, so I didn't feel half bad about the way I looked. I was tempted to ask who put him up to wearing something so silly, but I knew I'd probably get my ass kicked for being a troublemaker.

"Oh, I think pancakes sound delicious. You up for that, Jaeger?" Jean smiled, handing me a menu just in case. I nodded because pancakes did sound really appealing right now.

Connie looked just as ratty as we did. Christa wore these little bunny slippers along with her nightgown, looking adorable as usual. There was such a huge contrast between her and Ymir, and it seemed to work out perfectly somehow. Ymir was rough and had a crude sense of humor, while her girlfriend was as sweet and polite as a Catholic schoolgirl.

"I know what you're gettin' already, Sash." Connie grinned, as he fiddled with the salt and pepper shakers on the table. "Let me take a wild guess. Hash browns?"

Sasha nodded with an eager smile, and I swear I saw a line of drool escaping her mouth. She was one of the most mundane and outgoing people out of the whole group. Anyone who didn't get to know her would quickly dismiss her as rude or stupid, but luckily she and Connie found common ground, and they both seemed to feel right at home in our little clique of weirdos. If they were going to be anyone's idiots, they were ours.

The cheery waitress came by to take our orders and Marco asked for this mocha latte thing with a long-ass name. I wouldn't even be able to pronounce it. Jean and I just ordered a smoothie that we would have no problem sharing. Sasha and Connie did the same, while Ymir had to have her coffee dark as a night without milk or sugar. Christa settled for lemonade and Reiner ordered a freaking soda.

We put in the rest of our orders, and pancakes seemed to be the favorite minus the exception of Sasha and her hash browns. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom because I had to piss like a racehorse.

"Guys, I'll be right back." I said, before getting up and heading towards the restrooms. I did my business and washed up. The soap smelled like flowers. Ugh.

When I came out, I couldn't believe what I saw. A few workers were crowded around the table with napkins and cleaning products. _What could have happened? Did Kirschtein shit his pants?_ As I got closer, I noticed that Marco seemed to be _on_ Jean, and the remains of our beautiful smoothie were all over the floor and on their pajamas. Everyone was cracking up, Reiner being the loudest, while Bert sat there awkwardly as he tried to conceal his small smile.

"What the fuck is going on here? I thought you said you were keeping it PG, Marco!" I grunted, as I watched the employees scramble to get rid of the mess. This only seemed to fuel their laughter more.

"Jaeger, just shut up. It was an accident!" Jean yelled from under the freckled purple mess. They both were blushing like crazy.

"Oh yeah, I'm so convinced. I bet he made such a maneuver that he managed to spill our smoothie _and_ land precisely in your lap. Tell me what really happened, guys." I stood with my hand on my hip waiting for an answer, but to no avail. Everyone appeared to be on laughing gas.

"Wait, Eren!" He shouted, as I stormed towards the double doors.

"I'm out. Have fun with your teletubby, Kirschtein."


	5. Pastel Pimp Daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Eren get into a huge fight in a Denny's parking lot. Insults are thrown carelessy, and the penis envy is strong in this one. Reiner decides to break the ice and calm their titties by announcing that he's gonna be hosting a party. Liquor will be involved, because he kind of needs to dispose of it before his parents return from Cancun.

"Oh my god Jean, you suck! Man up and kick his ass!" Connie's obnoxious eardrum-invading voice echoed through the parking lot as Eren tumbled on top of me. It was sort of like what had happened on the couch earlier today, except for the fact that my head was on the uncomfortable ground, and I was practically being compressed under him. Joan Jett's 'Bad Reputation' was blaring in some idiot's van, as more people crowded around the scene. How interesting could it possibly be to a bystander? Humans are downright weird. I guess two homosexual fucks getting into a scramble over penis envy at midnight qualified as 'entertaining'.

"Yeah, rip him a new asshole!" This time it was Sasha. Whether she realized it or not, the phrase she had just used was significant. If we hadn't come to Denny's and gotten into this huge fucking mess to begin with, then yeah, I probably would have ripped Eren a new asshole. _Damn it, Kirschtein. You had to pick up the phone right before he was about to blow you._ I was tempted to blame it all on Marco, but I succumbed to the good in my heart. A nice guy like Marco couldn't be behind all this... right?

Part of me thought that maybe he secretly wanted Eren and I to kick each others' asses so he could suck my dick. After all, he was blushing quite a bit when he 'fell' on top of me. Not that I would have a problem with him fellating me, but it was still a plausible conspiracy. The other half of me thought that it was just a coincidence at a breakfast joint. Maybe we were just getting a little loopy. Maybe it was night fever? It couldn't have been entirely Marco's fault for spilling my smoothie and landing directly on top of me, could it? Even so, this was nothing out of the ordinary for my shithead group of friends and I.

"I swear, Eren. Why are you acting so goddamn ridiculous? You know I like y-" I started to say, but was jabbed in the rib by one of Eren's fingers roughly. He knew my weak point, and I winced.

"You like what? You like Marco? Are you into cute little goody goodies now? Fess up, you fucking Dong Juan!" He growled, as I managed to see people exchanging looks of bewilderment out of my peripheral vision. Some even snickered, and _was that Marco covering his face?_

"I bet he's got a big dick. Is that what it is, Jean? You into size now? FUCKING ANSWER ME!"

"Jesus, I didn't know you guys were such cock whores," Reiner burst out into laughter, his voice booming through the crowd. Soon, he was laughing so hard I thought his sides would burst. Was it really that funny? My rhetorical question was answered as someone in the crowd pulled out their phone and started to record our fiasco.

"Shit, they're fucking recording us! Get off of me and let's get the hell out of here! Do you want us to end up on YouTube?" I yelled, trying to shake Eren off of me. Although it would be pretty cool, the last thing I wanted was for my parents to see me on the first page of YouTube. Especially with Eren. I can just see it now: _2 Gays in Pajamas Get Into A Huge Fight About Dick Size In A Denny's Parking Lot._ Really, the whole thing wasn't about what was in our pants. Well it was, but not in that context. It all came down to Eren's jealousy.

"You want me to get off of you so you can go spend the night with pastel pimp daddy over here? Fine." He quickly got up and dusted his Quagmire pajama bottoms off because he was a prissy brat like that. "I hope you have a super fun time without me. What a slut, I bet you got hard when he fell on you." Scoffing, he loomed over me with that furious look.

"Jean Kirschtein, you may be hung as a horse but you're a fucking douche. Jaeger Bombastic out." He held his hands up in that diva-like way and proceeded to make a dramatic exit out of the parking lot.

Spinning around with his hands on his hips, he turned to look at me one last time. "Oh, and you know what? Fuck your French tutoring. You'd be better off sucking Levi's dick for an A, because it's something you'd be exponentially better at."

"Yeah, yeah. See you next Tuesday, Jaeger. Have fun with your hand, because you're shit without me." I retorted, picking myself up and not even bothering to run after him. I had learned in the past that there was no use running after Eren when he was in this state of mind. It was like trying to negotiate with a toddler who was busy throwing a tantrum. "And just wait till I tell your sister about this, shrimpdick. You're gonna get a good old can of whoop ass for making such a big scene." I smirked.

"Fuck you too, Jean. Go run to your mommy and tell her Eren dissed you. Like I said, have fun with Tinky Winky and the gang over there." He bitched.

A small but courageous voice interrupted our cockfight and caught everyone's attention. "Guys! Leave Marco out of this! He didn't do anything wrong.. on purpose, at least. He just tripped on something and happened to fall on Jean. We all trip sometimes, right?" It was Christa.

"No, stop it, hon. This is actually pretty entertaining!" Ymir grinned gingerly and wrapped her arm around her girlfriend's shoulder, trying to stop her from intervening. "But since we've got their attention, here's what I think. Jaeger and Kirschtein are a bunch of dumb babies who have run into a bit of a boo boo, and should just go talk it out over at Babies R Us." A chorus of laughter echoed through the lot.

The look in Eren's eyes said he wanted to tell Ymir to shut the hell up, but she had way too much authority over him for something like that to happen. It would be a stupid move on Eren's part, sort of like tossing himself into a blender. I learned why a few years ago when I was a freshman in high school. Ymir was a senior. Needless to say, I was stuck with such a killer wedgie that I was practically immobilized. Our friendship mellowed out into something strangely decent, and she still hung around with us despite the fact that she was almost old enough to drink. Christa was a freshman like myself when they had met, and somehow they managed to kick it off pretty damn well. Years later, they were still going strong regardless of the age difference and the fact that Christa was finishing school.

"Hey, I have a plan. If you hooligans wanna waste time at Denny's arguing, then be my guest. But I've got a lot of unused liquor at my house and I kinda need to get rid of it before my parents come back from that silly vacation they went on. What do you say?" Reiner's deep raspy voice broke the silence. "I guess you could call it an end-of-year party.. Since this is our last hurrah and all."

Most of us nodded in approval, and the shy defenseless ones like Bert just kind of went along with it. There were a few excited exchanges of words in anticipation for Reiner's make-shift blowout, and then Ymir urged me to make a truce with Jaeger. What could I say? There was no way I could turn it down. I fucking hated Eren right now because he had gotten on my last nerve endings, but I wasn't going to ruin a perfectly good night just because of his pissy mood.

"Fine. A truce it is. Just don't get like that again. I swear, sometimes you're like a wolf pissing on it's territory." I grunted, holding out my hand for him to shake. I received a gruff _'addaboy'_ from Ymir, who I'm sure was getting a kick out of this from standing behind me and seeing the same stupid look on Jaeger's face I saw.

"I.. I guess I just go a little overboard when caring about people sometimes." He said, avoiding eye contact as we shook hands on the truce slowly.

"And I think you owe someone an apology." Ymir nudged Eren on the back and pointed at Marco. Without another word, he shuffled over to where Marco was standing with Christa and Bert.

"I'm sorry.. I was a total dickbag, and I hope you didn't take any of what I said personally.." Eren muttered, as he became increasingly interested in his fingernails. I'd know what this meant because I had used this as a distraction when my nerves got the best of me.

"Don't worry about it, Eren. I mean, I would be pretty upset too if I saw someone all over my crush. Either way, we all make mistakes. Clumsy me tripped and caused a scene back there." Marco chuckled, as expected, and patted Eren on the back reassuringly. _How did he know Eren liked me?_ I guess it was obvious.

"Hey Bodt, what did Eren call you back there? Pimp daddy? No, it was _pastel_ pimp daddy. Where the hell did you dig that one up from, Jaeger?" Reiner interrupted the apology, and smirked at him.

"Oh, I don't know. It was just spur of the moment.."

"Well, it suits Marco. I think that nickname's gonna stick. But you know what makes more sense? Tinky Winky, because of all the purple he's wearing." The blond laughed and gestured toward Marco's pajamas.

"Oh jeez, I should have mixed it up! Darn, I don't want to be known as Tinky Winky from now on!" Marco began to shake his head frantically and examine what he was wearing, finally realizing what a goofball he looked like. But to be honest, I'm pretty sure we all looked like goofballs in our pajamas at Denny's.

"Well, what do you guys say? Now that the king and his queen have made up, how's about we head over to my place?" Reiner inquired, and we eagerly agreed. Wait, who was the king? I'm guessing he was referring to Eren as the queen, because Eren was the one throwing a flamboyant shit fit. Yeah... _I'm_ definitely the king of this castle, if you know what I mean.


End file.
